Never Tease a Vulcan

Kirk/Spock by K'Chaps
rated PG-13
justblackchaps @

beta by Farfalla

Kirk finished his dinner and leveled a stare at Spock. He was sitting across the commissary totally oblivious to his captain's scrutiny. Or was he? Kirk came to a decision. It was the compilation of years of frustration. He needed a plan. Placing his tray in the recycler, Kirk headed to his quarters without saying a word to his first officer.

The walk gave him time to formulate an estimate. Ten days. He'd give it ten days. Forty shifts. A nice round number. His door opened and he went immediately to his computer. The next ten days. That's how long they'd be traveling at warp speed to the neutral zone. It was time for another patrol. That would take months more. It was a boring job, interspersed with moments of sheer panic.

He pulled up Spock's shift schedule for the next ten days and began making notes. This would take pinpoint timing, concentration, and several diversionary tactics. These were all things Kirk was excellent at and he intended to make use of all his talents. He'd pick up Spock's universe and shake it like a snow globe until he got what he wanted.

****** Day One ******

Kirk glanced at the chronometer and then at Spock. He was staring into his monitor. Perfect. Kirk looked over at the ensign assigned to Engineering. His gaze traveled around the bridge at a measured pace until it rested once again on Spock. He was standing.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Spock?"

"A temporary malfunction," said Spock.

"You want me to call Scotty?" Casual. So casual.

"No," said Spock.

Kirk heard a tiny note of panic, didn't he? "Here, let me see."

"No, absolutely not." Spock sat down with a thud. "I'm positive the problem has resolved itself."

Kirk smiled. Yes, it had. He stood up and went to Spock, laying a hand on his shoulder. Spock flinched. Yes, he did. "Are you sure?"


Kirk removed his hand, allowing it to brush Spock's back. He returned to his command chair and occupied himself with the daily reports. Four more hours of this shift.

****** Day 2 ******

Kirk was on his way to the brig carrying an armful of security restraints. During a routine inspection of Engineering, Scotty had discovered a hidden stash. Probably left over from that incident with the Klingons. Kirk had volunteered to take them to the brig. After all, it was on the same deck as his quarters, and coincidentally Spock's.

Timing, it was all about timing. Spock was a creature of schedules. Kirk rounded the corner, looked back at the turbolift, and plowed into Spock. Restraints clattered.


Kirk allowed gravity to do its work on him. He fell at Spock's feet in a heap of restraints. Spock stood over him and Kirk blinked up in apparent confusion. His hands behind him.

"Jim, are you functional?"

"Uh, yeah, you're no pushover, Spock." Kirk rolled over and pushed up to his hands and knees. Once there, he stopped. "Give me a hand here."

Spock reached down and pulled Kirk up by his underarm. Was the hand shaking slightly? Kirk brushed off his pants and began to pick up the restraints. Spock leaned over to help, and Kirk checked out view.

"Perhaps I should assist you in delivering these to the brig," said Spock.

Kirk grinned and pushed the hair out of his face. "Thanks." He said nothing more. No explanation. They walked to the brig together. Kirk stowed the restraints in the proper container and turned to take Spock's pile. Their hands brushed. The container shut and Kirk surveyed the brig.

"I do not understand why we require so many restraints."

Kirk shrugged, and rubbed his ass. "My ass hurts. I think I'll head to Sickbay."

"I apologize, Captain." Spock hesitated. "In the future, you might consider assigning an ensign to the task."

A small rebuke. Kirk waited a bare moment, giving Spock a look. "So you can put her on her ass?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Her?"

"There was only one ensign available. She would have been knocked unconscious." Kirk rubbed his ass again for emphasis, turned on his heel, and left Spock in the brig.

****** Day 3 ******

Spock and Kirk were scheduled on adjoining shifts. Kirk planned it that way. It would give Spock six hours to relax. When the shift changed, that's when things would get interesting.

The turbolift deposited Kirk at the bridge precisely on time. Spock rose from the command chair and turned to him. His nostrils flared. Kirk grinned and shrugged. He slid into the chair and put a report in his lap. Spock really had remarkable scent capabilities.

"Game of chess later, Mr. Spock?"

"Unfortunately, I am assisting Mr. Scott in Engineering." Spock's back was to Kirk.

"I'll have to find another partner." Spock's hand twitched. Kirk noticed everything. "It shouldn't be hard."

Spock left the bridge, and Kirk spread his legs to give himself breathing room.

****** Day 4 ******

Kirk kept a close eye on Spock. If he were human, Kirk would have thought Spock was edgy. Since he was Vulcan, Kirk wasn't sure what it was. Smirk. It was a quiet shift and by the end of it, Spock relaxed into his customary stiffness. Kirk hid a grin behind his hand. This was fun, more fun than he'd had in years.

Uhura looked bored, and Kirk swiveled his chair around to face her.

"Lieutenant Uhura, no sleeping on the bridge."

She flinched and said, "Aye sir, I mean, no sir."

"Why don't you end your shift early? Mr. Spock can monitor subspace transmission." Time to shake the snow globe.

"No, no, Captain." She stifled a yawn. "I'm fine."

"That was an order," growled Kirk.

Lt. Uhura jumped up. "Aye sir."

Kirk pointed to the turbolift and she exited. Mr. Spock picked up an earpiece, stuck it in, and said nothing. Good. There are frequencies Vulcan can hear that humans can't. Kirk ran across that interesting tidbit during some recent research. The next minute or two should prove interesting. Hopefully, it would be worth all the effort that had gone into it.

Kirk didn't look over until the distinct sound of Spock dropping the earpiece reached him. Spock was a very interesting shade of green. Kirk ignored him and went back to reading the latest on the warp drive. Yep, it was worth it.

****** Day 5 ******

Spock was on vacation. He didn't know it, but Kirk did. This was Spock's day off in his ten-day shake up. Kirk spent the day doing all the usual things and avoiding Spock. It wasn't his fault that after his workout in the gym Spock was in the turbolift. Kirk was innocent. Smirk. He rubbed his sweaty head.

"Nothing like a good workout," said Kirk.

"Really?" Spock's look was assessing.

Kirk dried his bare chest and didn't reply. The doors opened and Kirk went to shower. So, Spock hadn't had the day off after all.

****** Day 6 ******

Kirk wasn't scheduled a shift today. It was the one day each seven that he tried to catch up on reports, personnel schedules, and ship's maintenance. Spock knew this and was, no doubt, relieved. He'd get his later today.

The door beeped and Kirk said, "Come."

Lo and behold, there was Spock. Kirk didn't smile, grin, or even look interested. He didn't even swivel his chair to face him.


"Can I help you, Mr. Spock?" Kirk tried to sound bored.

"You aren't on duty today, and I thought perhaps you would like to explain what has been transpiring lately."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Spock. You have me at a distinct disadvantage." Kirk wished. "What are you referring to?"

Spock cocked his head, raised his eyebrow, and gave Kirk a look. Kirk knew that look. He ignored it. Standing up, he stretched up over his head and listened to his joints pop.

"Damn reports," said Kirk. "You are being typically Vulcan. A few words of explanation might help me out."

Spock gave Kirk his back. Kirk booted him in the ass. "Don't turn your back on a superior officer."

Spock whirled back. "I can scarcely credit your actions."

"Yeah, well, you need a kick in the ass." Kirk cracked his knuckles. "Stiff-necked Vulcan."

Spock said nothing. Kirk marveled at the electricity in the air. Spock was angry. What a beautiful sight. This day was going very well. Now for the piece de resistance. Kirk pulled his shirt off over his head and tossed it on the bed.

"This is my day off. Get naked or get out." Kirk turned his back on Spock.

"Computer, security lock, Spock command beta."

"You don't have authority to lock my door."

"It appears you are incorrect." Spock whispered in Kirk's ear. "Didn't your mother teach you to never tease a Vulcan?"

"I planned for ten days." Kirk leaned over and pulled off his boots. "Don't you want to wait four more days?"

Spock licked Kirk's neck. Kirk shucked off his black pants. Spock pushed him to his hands and knees as soon as they were off.

"I do not."

Kirk rolled to his back with his hands under him. He licked his lips and stared up at Spock. "Did you bring the restraints?"


Kirk smiled. He'd buy Spock a snow globe when this tour was over.

Back to K'Chaps's TOS slash page