Title: The Night of the Quiz
Fandom: Wild Wild West
Feedback: justblackchaps at yahoo dot com
Summary: Jim and Artemus are bored.
Disclaimer: All this belongs to CBS.
"Artie, we've been on this train so long even you're starting to look good."
"I always look good, Jim." "To me?"
Artemus paused. "Well, don't I?"
"Um, well." Now Jim took a moment. "Yes, you do."
Artemus smoothed back his hair and smiled at Jim. "Let's play twenty questions." And he went to the desk. He opened a drawer and pulled out his sketchbook and a pencil.
"I'm bored, Artie."
"You won't be when we're finished."
"Yep." Artemus inspected the pencil and sharpened it with a knife.
"Okay, go ahead. Ask away. I'm an open book." Jim smiled and drank his brandy.
"Remember, you have to tell the truth." Artemus glanced up at Jim. "Never mind, that's more my problem than yours."
"There for a minute I thought I was gonna have to punch you in the nose," Jim said.
"Let's move on to the first question. Have you ever been in bed with two women?"
Jim's eyebrows went up slightly. He stretched his arms out along the back of the sofa and spread his legs just a bit. "Yes."
"Would you like to add anything to that?"
"Is that your second question?"
Artemus laughed. "I can see you're going to be tough to interrogate."
"Nothing should come easy."
"Interesting viewpoint." Artemus' pencil was busy. "Okay, have you ever had relations with someone and regretted it later?"
Jim closed his eyes. Artemus looked up from his drawing.
"That's two questions not one," said Jim.
"No, it's not."
Artemus frowned. "Yes to what?"
"Yes, I have regretted it later, and that's three." Jim laughed and opened his eyes. "I'm not bored anymore."
"Damn it. You're impossible."
Jim began to unbutton his white shirt. After the last button, he tugged his shirt out of his pants and pulled it off. He rubbed his arms briskly and cracked his knuckles.
"Number four -- when's the last time you had a woman?" Artemus went to refill his brandy.
Jim studied the clock. "Two weeks, three days, and eight hours."
"You're making that up." Artemus returned to the desk.
"Maybe not then. Five -- when's the last time you, um, took your physical needs into your own hands?"
"Artie, you're blushing," Jim said. "This morning."
"Yes, and that's six." Jim rearranged himself with his right hand. He took a drink with his left.
"Jim, you're not playing fair." The parlor was quiet, except for the scratching of the pencil. The noise stopped, and Artemus took off his coat. The vest and cravat were next. He picked up his pencil. "How many times can you get the deed done in one night?"
"Now that's a personal question. Give me a minute to think." Jim shifted to lie on the sofa. He laced his hands across his middle and crossed his legs. "Remember Marie?"
"Dr. Loveless' Marie?"
"Yes. Three times. And that's eight."
Artemus whistled. "I'm impressed. What just a minute. Eight?"
"Is that a question?" Jim began laughing.
Artemus cursed in Russian, but his pencil never stopped. "Number nine -- where's the strangest place?" He sipped his brandy.
Jim crooked an arm over his eyes. "That's a tough one. Let's see: stagecoach, horseback, river, bell tower, stable loft, and, of course, on a train. None of those are really strange though." Jim's arm never moved.
Artemus was staring at Jim's mouth. "You're not tricking me into wasting another question."
"You're catching on," Jim said. "Alright, I'm going with the cannon."
The pencil snapped in half. Jim grinned. It was quiet in the parlor. Artemus came around the desk to stand close to Jim. Artemus said nothing. He simply stared.
Jim removed his arm from on top of his face and said, "Really." He swung his feet to the floor, and Artemus sank down on the couch next to him. Their knees were barely touching. Shoulder to shoulder they sat. "Are you okay, Artie?"
Artemus opened his mouth and shut it again before saying, "Sure, James. Just, well, stunned. Didn't that hurt? No, don't answer. I'm not using another question."
"This one's free. Yes, it was a trifle uncomfortable, but fun."
"Jim, you never cease to amaze me. That mental image has driven everything else from my mind." Artemus sighed. "What number am I on?"
"Eleven." Jim patted Artemus' knee. "I'm gonna go use the necessary."
Artemus went to the desk and found another pencil. It was sharp, and he returned to his sketchbook.
Jim walked quietly into the parlor car. He went to the window and looked out. "How long do you think we'll be stuck on this siding?"
"Until the Express goes past. I'm sure we'll hear it." Artemus looked at Jim's bare feet. "Comfy?"
"Yep. I'm gonna do some sit-ups. Help me move the sofa, will ya?"
"Sure." Artemus picked up one end, and Jim grabbed up the other. They put the sofa along the fireplace. "Don't hurt yourself."
Jim dropped to the floor and began exercising. Artemus went back at his sketchbook.
"How old were you when you first knew a woman?"
"Thirteen, but she wasn't old enough to be a woman." Jim's knees were bent, and his feet were flat on the floor. His hands were behind his head, and his chest met his knees each time he came up. He breathed rhythmically.
Artemus put his pencil away and shut the sketchbook. Jim switched to one-arm pushups.
"Thirteen -- have you ever fallen in love with a barn animal?"
Jim dropped to the floor and burst out, "Artie! And that's fourteen, anyway."
"Answer the question." Artemus smiled and leaned his chin into his hands. "It's that horse of yours, isn't it?"
"No, Artie," Jim said and rolled to his back. The sit-ups resumed. Artemus watched. Jim flipped back to push ups, and Artemus left the desk to stand near him. "Sit down somewhere, please." Jim was breathing more heavily now.
"Certainly," Artemus said and sat on Jim's shoulders.
Jim grunted and pushed up slowly, but steadily. His arms quivered slightly. Artemus picked up his feet, and Jim hit the floor. "Artie!"
Artemus swung one leg over and straddled Jim's back. "Bored?"
"That's sixteen, and no." Jim tried to push back up. Sweat dripped off his nose.
"Seventeen -- ever been." Artemus paused, licked his lips, and lowered his voice. "With a man?"
Jim was inches off the floor. Artemus slid down until he was around Jim's hips and ran his hands down Jim's back.
Jim dropped suddenly and wiggled over to his back. Artemus' hands were now resting lightly on Jim's chest. They were shaking just a bit. Jim wiped his brow before resting his hands on Artemus' thighs. His hands were rock solid.
"Eighteen and nineteen -- why not? And would you?" Artemus said and traced a finger across Jim's ribs.
Jim sat up, pushed Artemus down to the floor, and sat on Artemus' hips. "Never seen any man that was all that attractive, and yes."
Artemus traced the muscles on Jim's stomach. Jim watched and said nothing.
"I have one more question, and then it's your turn."
Jim moved slowly and stopped once, but he began to unbuttoned Artemus' shirt.
"Do I look good tonight?" Artemus smiled and looked nervous.
"Marvelous." Jim worked on buttons. "We don't want to do anything foolish, Artie."
"Even though that's not phrased as a question, I think you have doubts."
"I know what I want, but it's a big step." Jim finished the last button.
Artemus ran his hands up and spread his fingers. "We'll have more, not less."
Jim took each of Artemus' wrists and unbuttoned the cuffs. "You're right, and I always want more."
"If there are problems, we can deal with them."
"You're sure?" Jim leaned down slightly. Neither man's eyes wavered.
"Is that your first question?" Artemus grinned, and Jim patted him on the face.
"So, the game is on?"
"Yes, and that's one."
"Going to make this hard on me, I see." Jim helped Artemus remove the shirt.
"Just returning the favor," Artemus said.
Jim shifted his hips slightly. Artemus groaned. His hands went up Jim's arms to grip him tightly on the biceps.
"Two -- what's your favorite food?"
Artemus reached up and pulled Jim down by the neck. The kiss lasted ten heartbeats. Jim pulled back, and Artemus said, "James West a la mode."
"We don't have any ice cream."
"A real pity," Artemus said.
Jim rolled off Artemus, and the men lay side by side. "Three -- have you ever been really scared?"
Artemus rubbed his eyes. He rolled to the side facing Jim and said, "Yes."
Jim rolled to his side. The men were propped up by their elbows. "When?"
Artemus touched Jim's cheek. "The war and just about every assignment that involves you and rope."
"Artie, you worry too much," Jim said.
"Most likely. One of us should."
"Five -- and remember to tell the truth. Do you like my horse?"
Artemus frowned. "Jim, how could you even ask such a ridiculous question?"
"Just answer it."
"Alright. No, I hate your horse." Artemus scooted closer and laid his hand on Jim's buttocks. "Every time you swing into that black saddle, I'm so jealous I could just shoot the damn beast."
Jim laughed. Artemus slowly got to his feet, pushing off Jim's butt. He left the parlor.
"Wait Artie. You're not mad, are you?" Jim moved up to the sofa and stretched.
Artemus returned barefoot and sat near Jim. "No, and that's six."
Artemus leaned close and kissed him. "Okay, you're trying to distract me. Seven -- are you and Colonel Richmond more than just friends?" Jim looked at his hands.
Artemus picked up one of Jim's hands and put it on his heart. "Absolutely not."
"Good," Jim whispered. "I thought maybe . . ."
It was quiet in the parlor car. Artemus got off the sofa and leaned over him, placing his hands on Jim's hips. The blue pants slid off. Artemus tossed them towards a chair and knelt between Jim's legs.
"What are you doing, Artemus?"
"Making it hard for you to ask questions and that's eight." Artemus cupped Jim's balls with one hand and stroked his shaft with the other. Every time Artemus' hand reached the top, he lowered his mouth and sucked.
Jim groaned and grabbed Artemus by the shoulders. "Where the hell did you learn to do that?"
Artemus raised his head and said, "From a book, of course."
"Artie," Jim gasped. "Tell the truth."
"Your horse has been whispering in my ear."
"Artie!" Jim closed his eyes. His hips were thrusting in rhythm with Artemus' mouth.
Jim groaned. "Artie, stop, I'm gonna-"
His words were lost in the whistle of the Express, rolling past the Wanderer at a top speed of thirty-five miles per hour.
Artemus did stop, after Jim was completely finished.
"I'm ready for number ten, whenever you can catch your breath that is," Artemus said with a smile. He licked his lips.
Jim pulled Artemus up onto the sofa. "I'm almost sure that's considered cheating."
"I've always been a cheater, swindler, liar, and generally untrustworthy in an honest sort of way. Those are the things you love most about me."
"Very true." Jim nodded. "Ten -- when's the last time you were with a man?"
"Where's your sense of humor, Jim? It's gonna cost you an extra question."
Jim glared at Artemus. He smiled.
"With the exception of myself, when's the last time you were with a man?"
"Let's see, during the war, right before . . ."
"You met me?"
Artemus blushed red. "Yes, and that's twelve."
Jim kissed Artemus several times. "Thank you, Artemus."
"For exactly what, James?"
"Being extremely patient," Jim said.
The Wanderer gave a sudden lurch and eased onto the main line. Two long blows of the whistle and ringing her bell - she was on her way.
Artemus stroked Jim's bare back. "What's next, Jim?"
"I'm the one asking the questions. Your turn is over." He stripped the pants off Artemus.
Jim took Artemus in hand and gently started an up and down motion. Artemus groaned and laid his head back on the sofa.
"How long have you wanted to do something like this with me?"
"Since the beginning," Artemus gasped.
"Why did you wait for tonight, Artie?"
Artemus didn't answer. He looked away. Jim stopped moving his hand.
"Didn't want a punch on the nose, I suppose."
Jim poked Artemus in the chest with a finger. "You're supposed to tell the truth, Artemus."
Artemus swallowed and tried to smile, but failed. "We've been a little busy with Dr. Loveless and all."
Jim crossed his arms, gave Artemus a glare, and waited.
"Jim, you're such a man's man. It can be a touch intimidating." Artemus gestured with both hands.
"Chicken." Jim resumed stroking Artemus.
"Pretty much." Artemus grinned.
Jim continued stroking and watched Artemus' face. Artemus watched Jim's hand.
"Wait a minute. I'll be back," Jim said.
Artemus touched himself while Jim was gone.
"Hey, wait for me, will ya?" Jim stood between Artemus' knees. He had a vial of oil in his hand. Jim dropped to his knees and pushed Artemus' hand away. "Come down here, Artemus."
Artemus opened his eyes and slid down the sofa to sit almost on top of Jim. Jim began running his oiled hands all over Artemus' body.
"Now I know why your horse loves you." Artemus kissed Jim's neck and shoulders.
Jim and Artemus combined rubbing and kissing while the clock ticked away. Artemus moaned more times than Jim.
"Should I waste another question by asking you if you're sure again?"
"Don't bother." Artemus lowered his head to flick his tongue over Jim's nipples. Jim ducked his head and captured Artemus' tongue with his mouth. Tongues clashed until Artemus pulled back. "How do you want to do this?"
"No questions, Artie," Jim said. "I'll let you know when I figure it out."
Artemus laughed and moved so his back pressed against Jim's chest. Jim bit Artemus on the back of the neck. Jim pushed Artemus forward until he was on his hands and knees and got behind him with the oil.
Artemus breathed hard and pushed back. "Bored, Jim?"
"Funny, Artie. Do you like this?"
Jim stroked Artemus with his oily hands. "Are you ready?"
"Yes, and that's seventeen." Artemus spread his knees a little further apart.
Jim crowded in until his hips almost touched Artemus' buttocks. Jim stroked himself twice and placed his organ at the point of contact. "How do you like it, Artie? Fast and hard or slow and easy?"
Jim pushed inside. Artemus hissed, and Jim stopped. He slicked his hands up to Artemus' shoulders. Slow and easy made Artemus gasp. Jim didn't stop, and it became fast and hard. Artemus moaned and slammed back into Jim.
Jim leaned back and increased his pace. One of his oily hands found Artemus' cock and stroked him. Artemus shuddered, and his seed pumped into Jim's hand. Jim held him gently, but never slowed. His cock swelled and came for a second time. He reached for Artemus' hair and leaned him back until Jim could whisper in his ear.
"What's the one thing you're most afraid of?"
"Losing you," Artemus breathed and sagged back.
Jim smiled. "That is not gonna happen. Don't worry." Artemus smiled. The men spooned together on the floor.
"That's the game," Artemus sighed.
"Let's play again."