Kirk/Spock by K'Chaps
justblackchaps @

rated NC-17 

Jim nearly flinched as his bondmate came striding into the cabin they shared. It wasn't fear. Not a damn bit. But caution never hurt anyone.

"Captain, were you aware that Lt. Torres is under the impression that you and she have a date at the end of alpha shift?" Spock's manner was extemely disapproving, even though he'd deny it.

"We do?" Jim sat down on the bunk they shared when their shifts didn't run opposite of each other. He had expected a complaint, but that wasn't the one he'd thought was coming at him.
They'd been co-habiting for two weeks, and he'd never had a relationship that didn't begin to unravel about now. It was subtle at first. A thread here and there until one end was frayed, and then the whole damn thing looked as if one of his dogs had been at it. He missed his dog, but starships weren't made for them.


Jim looked up at him and shrugged. "Sorry. I was woolgathering. I was meeting with her to discuss her transfer to Security. It's not a date." He rubbed his forehead. "Why do these things always happen to me?"

"Perhaps it's the way you lean close and lower your voice?" Spock's eyebrow was up.

"I'll try to watch it." He had no idea that he did that, but Spock never lied, so it was happening. Spock went to their computer desk and sat down at his station. Kirk felt as if he should say something else. Soon. Before another thread hit the floor. "Did you have a good shift?"

Spock slowly looked up at him, and he flushed. It was always his fault. Commanding a starship was easy as falling off a log, but a relationship was like pulling teeth.

"I've got to stop thinking in metaphors," Kirk mumbled. He was a grown man, for star's sake, not some boy. "Spock, you're always going to be honest with me, right?"

"I am not given to prevarication." Spock's eyebrows were going up and down now. "Am I?"

Jim nearly groaned. "Of course not. I'm just feeling-" He broke off, unable to find the word, but it came to him. "Unsure."

Spock's attention went back to his computer. "My shift was productive, but I was concerned."

"I'm glad. I mean, not about that. Oh, forget it." Jim had things to do and crewmembers to see, but he had time to talk, and he had no idea what to say. "When did I turn into a teenage girl, tongue-tied and feeling a fool?"

"I had no idea that you were a girl child." Spock had a gift for understated sarcasm.

Jim rubbed his eyes. "I can't say anything right today. Just ignore me, okay?"

"If you wish." Spock's voice was low. Jim shut his eyes. He had to get a hold of himself. This one time, he couldn't mess it up. Spock was suddenly in front of him. "Jim, perhaps, you are in need of a physical reassurance?"

Jim said nothing. He looked up and reached with two fingers. Spock met them quickly. Jim could almost sense him thinking, pushing thoughts at him, but nothing came through.

"You are the one I choose." Spock sank down to one knee. "Close your eyes."

Jim had no trouble with that request. Spock didn't touch him, except on the fingers. Jim knew, from what he'd read, that they were supposed to be able to exchange thoughts, feelings, maybe both, but all he felt was the lack. He was inadequate, again, and it was simply a matter of time before Spock figured it out. Lori had been disillusioned within weeks. It would happen again. Always lonely, but never alone.

Spock rose to his feet. "Remain there, please."

Jim was willing to do that. He opened his eyes and watched Spock work at his computer for a moment and then lock the door. "Spock?"

"We are officially on leave for the next two shifts. Your yeoman is moving your appointments, and I have alerted Dr. McCoy that we are unavailable for dinner tonight."

Jim surged to his feet. "Wait a damn minute, mister! This is my ship!"

"And I require her captain." Spock came to him, very close, but not touching. "Perhaps I overstepped my bounds, but you are having difficulty with speech today."

"Well, I-" Jim stopped. He wasn't able to tell the truth about how he felt.

Spock nodded. "And yesterday, and the day before that. It is time to resolve this, and I will need you to be available to succeed."

Jim slowly sat back down. "Two shifts. Not one minute more." It was a long time to be out of commission, and Spock knew it. "Agreed?"

"Yes." Spock was calm. "Your ship will be in no danger from a short leave of absence."

Jim hoped not. Nothing was certain in space. "Knock on wood."

"I fail to see how rapping one's knuckles on . . . but I will leave that for another day." Spock encouraged him to stand and remove the dark, red jacket. "Would you like a shower before we begin?"

Jim suddenly got the feeling that he had signed up for more than he knew, and he might regret all this later. "I should. Give me a minute."

Spock hung up the jacket. "Do not rush."

"Okay." Jim went from worried to confused and then mixed the two. He removed the rest of his clothes without help and went to the 'fresher. Spock didn't follow. He wouldn't. Water and
Vulcans didn't mix. It was something else they didn't share, and in the blood-pounding lust two weeks ago, none of it had mattered a damn bit, but now, in the light of day, he wondered. Since then, they'd had sex twice, both rushed, and not at all this past week. He soaped and stood under the water longer than necessary, but he needed it. Drying off, he took a deep breath. He was not going to think this to death.

"Are you feeling more relaxed?" Spock asked quietly when Jim stepped out of the 'fresher. He didn't understand how water could have that affect but anecdotal evidence suggested that it did.

Jim nodded, but he didn't smile, and Spock sighed very softly. He would not pretend to understand the conflicting emotions that were swirling inside his bondmate, but it was time to deal with them.

Jim moved to their wardrobe, and Spock stepped to block him. "Jim, would you help me disrobe?"

"What?" Jim's brow furrowed. "Well, yes, but, oh, never mind."

Spock could see that Jim was still conflicted and for a man that made hundreds of decisions every day, it was mystifying. More research would be needed. Jim's hands didn't linger on Spock's person, and Spock made a mental note of it.

"Lots of flesh now, but this usually takes about five minutes, not two shifts." Jim looked irritated. He did. Spock had seen it many times.

"Perhaps we're not doing it correctly." Spock had thought they were, but there were parameters within every experience, and it was possible that they were making errors. Jim gave him a long look, and Spock had no ability to decipher it. "Jim, I am not joking."

"That's what worries me." Jim stretched his back as was his custom after a shower, and Spock took the small step necessary to touch him. Spock rubbed gently, trying to accomplish two tasks simultaneously: help Jim's back and attempt a small meld. He concentrated, focusing, trying to use the pathways that he had forged during times of danger. They were gone. It was as if they'd never been there.

Jim gave out a long groan. "Okay, okay, you've tortured me enough. What now?"

Spock delicately withdrew, trying to form a hypothesis. He also stopped rubbing. "Jim, may I ask you a question?"

"Of course." Jim ran his hand through his hair and stepped to the bunk. "Can I answer it lying down?"

"Indeed." Spock went with him, sitting at Jim's hip and meeting Jim's eyes. "Do you sense any of what I'm feeling or thinking when we touch?"

Jim's eyes darted away. "It's difficult to answer that."

Spock didn't agree, but he didn't push for more. "I am very certain that we are bonded and that brings with it a degree of intimacy that you may be uncomfortable with."

"Me?" Jim sat up, his eyes blazing now. "It was my idea!"

"We agreed that it was the best decision for both of us." Spock reached for Jim's face. "May I attempt a full bond?"

Jim caught Spock's hand. "You've been trying, haven't you? Every time you touch me." He knew it was true, and the obvious answer scared him. "I'm not good enough, strong enough, something." He squeezed tight. "I destroy every person I pull close."

Spock's eyes seemed to become even darker. "If that were true, I'd have been destroyed after our second game of chess. Jim, you must relax and have confidence in yourself, in us."

"You think I'm not confident? I'm the captain!" Jim blurted, feeling like a fool one second later. He should've stayed quiet or gone back to the bridge. This would've worked out on its own. Things always did. "Spock-"

"No," Spock interrupted. "We are taking a proactive approach to this problem. It is also possible that you were injured when we bonded. There are documented cases."

Jim flinched as if he'd been slapped. "What?"

Spock nodded. "You are not Vulcan. As a human, your brain processes information much differently than mine. I had assumed that, with time, our bond would grow, but it is less now than it was before we bonded."

"My fault." Jim knew it. It was always him. "I'm shutting you out."

Spock disentangled their hands. "Please. If you won't let me look, go see Doctor McCoy."

Jim took a deep breath and another one. "Do it. I'll shut up and behave."

"I doubt that will be possible." Spock went to his side of the bunk and stretched out near him. "Are you cold?"

"No." Jim wanted to bolt off the bed, but he wouldn't, and Spock was right, it was time to find out why he was a wreck. "Go ahead."

Spock rolled to his side and put his hand on Jim's stomach. "Tell me what you're thinking."

Jim groaned. That was the one thing he didn't want to do. "It's all a jumble. I keep thinking that . . . I've screwed up and you're going to walk out on me. It doesn't make any sense, but I can't stop."

Spock spread his hand and slid it over to Jim's hip. "Come close, t'hy'la." If he were human, he would feel guilt at the distress that his bondmate was experiencing. Distress that he hadn't noticed. "When did this begin?"

Jim moved until they were chest to chest, adjusting arms. "I'm not sure. A week?"

"We began opposite shifts a week ago." Spock stroked him. This close, their heat and rhythms made touching a necessity. He could smell him, almost taste him, and the need was undeniable even for a Vulcan. The desire surged through him, and he welcomed it. It was an emotion, but he had learned that controlling his emotions was very different from denying they existed. The lesson had been difficult, and he often wondered if it would've been easier to listen to his mother. He heard Jim groan and Spock lowered his head so they could kiss easily.

"Are we going to do something?" Jim asked, pulling away.

Spock raised his eyebrow. "Aren't we?" He had synchronized his internal rhythms to his bondmate's, trying to comfort him through the remainder of the bond. At this base level, it was possible, but all higher level brain functions were inaccessible. It was almost as if they were strangers, and that conclusion was completely illogical.

"Is it okay if I ask for more of what we're not doing?" Jim smiled and slid his hand around Spock's neck, pulling him into another kiss. Spock moved so his body was directly over Jim's and deepened the kiss. Surprise was not an emotion. It was a reaction, nothing more, and as he pressed his groin down into Jim's, he felt a thickening in the walls that Jim had erected.

Spock rolled them over so he was on his back. Jim surged over him, kissing and licking, and Spock observed carefully. Spock spread his legs and welcomed Jim closer. Their skin was warm against each other, and he shut off his ability to orgasm. This time, he only wanted to gather information. Closing his eyes, he analyzed and scrutinized, confirming his hypothesis and forming an experiment to test it.

Jim gasped in surprise when Spock abruptly took him by the hips and flipped them over. Spock shoved at him, and he ran his hand up to place it firmly against Spock's chest. "Easy there."

Spock stopped instantly. "My apologies."

"I'm not sure that's necessary." Jim smiled and caressed down to Spock's ass. "You caught me by surprise is all."

"Would you prefer to be on top?" Spock was always serious. "That is our usual position."

Jim hadn't known that they had one. He was torn between amusement and chagrin. "Are you keeping score?"

"I am a keen observer. That is all." Spock eased away, sitting next to him. "There are many choices. Is there one you enjoy more than the others?"

"I never noticed," Jim said slowly. He felt somewhat like a specimen that Spock had collected to study, and it didn't feel good. "Are you going to think this to death?"

Spock tilted his head. "I certainly hope not. Since we are on the subject, there is a position that I prefer. Would you grant me it?"

Jim's eyebrows couldn't get any higher. He was almost afraid to agree, but this was Spock, and he was being ridiculous. "Yes, but you-" He broke off, nearly blushing. "Forget it."

"Every sentient being is different, but I am inclined to enjoy this." Spock pulled, but not hard, until Jim was firmly in Spock's lap. Jim's legs were tucked around Spock's back, and their cocks were pushed together. Spock kissed him, moving his hips, and Jim nearly squirmed to get away. He wasn't trapped. He was fine, and he put his face into Spock's shoulder.

Spock was making soft sounds that Jim knew were pleasure. Jim had to lean away slightly and he yelped in surprise when Spock put him on his back again. His legs were in the air and shame rushed through him.

"Jim, I would never hurt you," Spock said so softly and his hands stroked him. Jim knew that. He did, and he wanted to reassure him of it, but Spock's hand alighted on Jim's face and his mind turned inward.

"My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts. We are one."

Are we?

Yes. You have erected a strong barrier against us, but we are one.

I wouldn't! I love you!

We share many things and now for our bond to succeed, we must learn to share what pleases us in a sexual manner.

 I never thought otherwise, but is sex so very important?

To others, perhaps not, but to us, yes.

Jim twisted his face away, gasping for more than air. Spock was lying next to him, stroking him. Not on him. Not pushing. He took another deep breath and he was afraid that he quivered. "It sounds cheap."

Spock traced his finger around Jim's nipple. "You are a very sexual man. It's wrapped into your core, your essence. You are holding me at bay because you are afraid that letting me love you will make you less."

Jim bolted off the bed and began to pace. That couldn't be true. It just couldn't. He had to think rationally, put the clues together, and decide for himself what the problem was. "Give me a minute."

"You have all the time you need." Spock got off the bed and went to the 'fresher. He was very aware that Jim needed time and an empty cabin. This situation might be considered awkward by human standards, but Spock had read several Vulcan treatise on this very subject. When men choose to mate with other men, difficulties could arise that were rarely found in heterosexual couples. Jim was extremely intelligent. He would see the truth quickly.

Spock attended his physical needs and took a sonic shower. He considered all the facts again, and he was certain that there was a way to re-forge their bond, but if Jim didn't wish to particpate, it would never happen.

"You're telling me that I'm worried about becoming a woman?"

Spock analyzed Jim's body language before framing a response. "Jim, you have been a woman before. I loved you then and I love you now. Does it concern you?"

Jim's eyes widened. "Yes! No. I mean . . . damn it." The last two words were muttered. "I don't know. The love that we've shared was explosive, wonderful, perfect, and then-"

"You started thinking about it," Spock finished for him. "You are a man. Even while trapped in a woman's body, you were a man. Nothing I do will change that fact. I'm not entirely certain anything you do can change that reality."

"I don't feel very masculine with my legs in the air." Jim blushed.

Spock went to him and took him by the hands. "Then we will avoid that position if it causes you mental discomfort. The more you block our bond, the more difficult it is for us to achieve any kind of sexual satisfaction."

Jim put his forehead on Spock's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"It is not necessary. I never assumed that we would have a blissful and uneventful union." Spock put his hands on Jim's back and held him loosely. "You are, after all, James T. Kirk."

Jim laughed. "Hard to believe that I was the one over thinking all this."

"You are a cerebral man." Spock allowed his lips to lift slightly. It was an amusing irony. "I do wish to reassure you that even if my legs are in the air, I will still be aware of my manhood."

"Thought you were a Vulcan?" Jim's laughter deepened. "Vulcanhood? Maybe?"

Spock kissed him to take the laughter away. Jim's eyes sparkled and he looked calmer. Now that Jim was thinking, this would be easier. Spock took him back to bed.

"Jim, when you bedded other men, what activities did you enjoy?"

Jim's mouth fell open. He stared, not blinking at all. "Other men?" he whispered.

Spock forego answering until they were lying together again. He rubbed Jim's back and kissed him. "Yes. My experience has been limited to women." Spock could sense Jim's confusion, and that in and of itself was a positive sign that they were reaching each other again.

Jim began to laugh. He leaned into Spock's chest and smothered his laughter. Spock held him, surprised when tears came from his eyes.


"One second," Jim gasped. He scrubbed his face with his hands and lay back flat. "Spock, I've never been with a man."

The truth resonated between them, and Spock came to the most logical conclusion. "We should research this more thoroughly before proceeding."

Jim covered his face with his arm. "Back to thinking it to death. No. We'll just go slow and figure out what we like. I know the mechanics of it, as do you, and the rest is left for the moment to decide."

"But what if we injure each other?" Spock was more concerned about that now that he understood that neither of them had any knowledge of what they were doing. It was a risk that he wasn't sure he wanted to take. "The bond isn't strong enough to inform me if there is pain."

"I'll let you know. I promise." Jim smiled and took his arm away. "Okay. Where were we?"

Spock raised his eyebrow. "You were pacing, and I was-"

Jim put his hand over Spock's mouth. "Good thing we have two shifts. I had no idea we were both bumbling amateurs."

"Sarcastic, yet accurate." Spock kissed Jim's hand, following a vein down to Jim's wrist. " Your anxiety is keeping us from forming a more complete bond. Do you wish to resolve this problem?"

Jim kissed him - kissed him hard, running his hands from down Spock's body to grip his ass firmly. Spock took that as an affirmative. He could dimly feel Jim's amusement and a trace of lust, and that was very good news indeed.

"Let me love you," Spock said quietly. He traced his hand over Jim's face. "Completely."

Jim was sure his brain stopped working for a moment, and he had to take a shallow breath just to make sure he could. Fear wasn't part of it. He'd wanted Spock for years, events crystallizing it all recently, but it had always been there. Being with another man hadn't been possible. He had always loved Spock far too much to consider it.

"Spock," Jim said with all the love that he carried like a shield strapped across his back. "Link us."

Spock's dark eyes briefly widened. "Because of the rough barrier you have created, there will be a moment of discomfort."

Jim didn't care one damn bit. "Do it, and then we'll learn together. I don't want anything standing between us, especially me."

Spock made no sound and gave no hint as to what he was thinking. "James, I would never hurt you."

Jim sighed with frustration. "Okay, then, put me in a light trance, and then, when I'm relaxed, do it."

"I will consider it, but only if the barrier you have erected yields voluntarily." Spock's lips were set in such a way that Jim knew there'd be no negotiating. "First, close your eyes and let me touch you."

"I can do that," Jim said, getting that much more comfortable on the bunk and then closing his eyes. He felt better knowing what they were facing now and the surety that Spock wasn't walking out the door in disgust. Spock's hands were warm and felt good on his skin, and he felt a small pop from his back. Smiling, he tried to relax his muscles one by one. "I was being a fool."

"You were being human, but you should have discussed it with me earlier." Spock's voice held a slight note of chastizement.

Jim had heard it before and recognized it. He accepted his responsibility, but he wanted to make one thing clear. "You didn't help the situation by marching in here and accusing me of having a date."

Spock didn't reply, but his hands never stopped moving. Jim sighed. He gasped when Spock slid lower. Lips and tongue added to the pleasure that he was giving. Jim wanted to roll over, grab him, and take charge of the situation.

"Let me." Spock's voice was barely above a whisper, and Jim gave in without protest. It was time to do this differently - more equal - less all about him. He wasn't the weaker and there was nothing to prove. Repeating it twice helped, and he wanted nothing more than to be in this bed with Spock. A wave of pleasure built slowly, seeming to move up from his groin, and he arched his back, moaning. There was a quick burst behind his eyelids, and he found himself grasping Spock and panting.

"How can you-" Jim broke off, words failing him as he shuddered from the richness, the fullness, the textures, and the depth of Spock's love. "I never thought it could be like this."

Spock bore him back flat and kissed him. "We will learn together."

Jim wasn't sure he could take much more, but he was willing to try. He grasped Spock's cock and stroked him, feeling every moment of it. They'd had brief snatches of synchronicity in their years together, but this - this was so much more, as a sun to a patch of artificial light.

Love is a poor word for all this.

It always was.

Spock watched the energies flow between and over them, sparking and cascading. This was more than he'd calculated, and he was perilously close to losing control. Jim lifted his leg and guided. Spock felt and heard two gasps and spiraled into the bliss. There were no more barriers between them. Nothing but each other as they completed and wound around, giving and taking and wanting. They were more together than apart, and it overwhelmed him.

Don't stop.



We were doing it wrong.

Laughter was like the gentle rain that falls after the tornado blows through, and they lay together, neither of them wanting to move more than an inch. Spock found Jim's lips again. Jim touched Spock's face.


"It must have come from your mind." Spock nestled his thumb under Jim's cheekbone and deftly removed the link, but it made little difference. Their bond had blossomed like the desert after the rainy season.

Jim smiled and laughed. "That's beautiful imagery. Were you always so romantic?"

"I have always been a Vulcan." Spock held him close. "Do you require a shower?"

"I require a nap, and then, maybe, we'll explore this new territory that we've discovered further." Jim shut his eyes and wrapped his arm around him.

Spock shifted his arm. He could feel fluids drying on his body. "Cleaning ourselves would take only a moment."

Jim's eyes opened. "Got it. Then, I want my nap."

"I agree." Spock kept his hand on the small of Jim's back. "My calculations as to the amount of time we would need were inaccurate."

Jim's amusement was easy to read. "I disagree. There's a lot left to do. We may need an extra shift."

"Dr. McCoy would be alarmed." Spock kissed the back of Jim's neck. "I will insist that he give you a brain scan."

"I may refuse. Last time I checked, I was the captain of this ship." Jim kissed him. "Thank you."

Spock didn't smile. There was no need. They understood each other perfectly, again. Jim hit the bed hard and pulled Spock around until they were both comfortable. "Always touching."


"Vulcans are clever, and I promise to mention it to McCoy." Jim shut his eyes. He was right where he should be, and this time, nothing was going to pull it apart. Nothing could destroy it. Not even him. "Bondmate. It makes sense now."

Spock didn't answer with words. Jim eased out a deep breath. His nap could wait for the next shift.


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